Ringing in the New

Change is good and also very difficult at times. We say "it's a blessing in disguise," which it often is in retrospect. This is certainly true with the sudden move from Kevin's house and, fortunately, it hasn't taken a long period of struggle to see the blessing. We have landed back in Berkeley a block from Willard Middle School, where Emma has attended since arrival at the end of November '06. I am thrilled because this is where I feel I belong and experience a high level of daily life satisfaction and contentment simply from walking my dog amidst the abundance of flowers, trees, and interesting-looking passersby of all stripes and varieties. The diversity and village vibration hold a strong, unwavering appeal.

Andrea Pritchett is our new neighbor, and she invited us to live in her building which had a studio open. It all happened quickly and rather auspiciously. I am delighted to be deepening our friendship, as well as enjoying a greater sense of expansion and community in my life with an inflow of new acquaintances. With the recent BART shooting in Oakland, she is very busy with attempting to organize an Oakland Cop Watch modeled after Berkeley Cop Watch, which she founded. Her energy and commitment are an inspiration, and I feel grateful for her kindness and caring toward us.

Betty Francis, my landlady, is one of these new wonderful women who are now in my life. At 87, she's still feisty and mostly still "all there," although she suffers from neuropathy and can just barely get around anymore. Upon meeting her to sign a lease agreement and pick up keys, she asked if I knew of anyone who might be able to help her. My heart went out to her, and I offered my services as her personal companion. I had been intending to do some volunteer work with the elderly, and this is close; she pays me well. And it's a good practice in lovingkindness, equanimity and patience, while at the same time an avenue to a surprising level of healing. I've meditated upon the why of this for it seemed strange to me at first that I was experiencing our contact as very healing and enlivening. I've discovered this is related to Geoph's death and my distance from his dying process, together with my lifelong need for mothering/grandmothering. And then there is the mystery of death and dying, along with my own process of aging and ultimate death.

This week has been spent integrating being with Betty for several afternoons a week. It is a primarily a fun and interesting challenge. The side income is also helpful as I continue to work to launch Lotus Peace Retreats in the next few months.

The move went smoothly; yet, the stress and anxiety of the way it all went down and the suddenness took a noticeable toll, along with the many trips up and down steps on my right knee joint. The transition of settling in has taken longer than usual... partly because of the holidays with Emma. Overall, we both feel happy and safe here and are now glad it all happened just as it did! How funny and strange life can be with its synchronicities and manifestations of dreams and visions.

My focus turns to purchasing a table to use a desk and a chair so that I may continue the process of setting up an office space and building my business. There is much creative work to do in the next few weeks now that I've transitioned, integrated Betty into my schedule, and almost have our new home established. I am excited about getting back to building the web site, creating marketing materials and ads, figuring out logistical details and making various connections with innkeepers.

The new year is off to an awesome beginning. All is well, and I envision a good year of health, abundance, prosperity, more fully stepping into personal power and trust in the unfolding vision of calling circles of women into retreat and community.

In Gratitude

Another Thanksgiving Day has come and gone without much fanfare. It was a quiet day for us. We decided to stay home rather than go to a small gathering at a friend's house. There's been so much change, uncertainty, stress suddenly that Emma and I both felt the need to simply rest and continue to ground as we prepare for yet another move. Where are we moving? I don't really know; and after a couple of days of rest, it feels okay to simply rest in the not knowing and to trust. We may be moving into a house share in Berkeley ... this time the house is owned by a woman, and we'll go take a look tomorrow and meet Lenel, Keith Brown's sweetie and partner I think... not sure how they are defining their connection. They are traveling a lot, and she would like someone in the house. It will be good to sit down and talk, see what's what.

I feel a deep gratitude for the magic and mystery in life, its inherently wild and open essence. I am grateful for love and its boundless, infinite nature, for the creative impulse and well spring of passion and inspiration. May I do what life asks of me... what it calls me to do with courage and compassion, with strength and perseverance. May I hear its wild and subtle calling... forever wild.

I shared my last coaching session of 2008 with Margie yesterday. We talked about intentions and what needed to be completed in my life before the end of the year. There are lots of tasks pertaining to the business, home front, caring for my family, but she noticed there is very little that I named of a more personal nature. Sometimes her questions cut to the core of my longing, and as I told her I wished/hoped I would share a kiss with someone sweet, tears and emotions came up to surprise me. It seems so long since I have been kissed... really kissed.

Life's richness with its ever-changing nature, all its twists and turns, ups and downs, paradox and splendor leave me breathless and reeling ... leave me in awe at how quickly manifestation of desires and longings can occur... in ways and revelations one hasn't the vision to even imagine. Yes, life's abundance and energetic reach is fabulous.

I am grateful... for new friends and old friends. Angels of kindness circle around me with their beautiful loving way. I am proud to be woman, to be queer, to be lesbian ... finally I can say these words for the first time in my life out loud... at least in some contexts anyway. There are some amazing models of strong women out and proud close by me, all around me. With their loving arms and hands, with their songs and words of choice and freedom, I can grow and allow the deepest love and longings in my heart-mind to blossom, to reveal my true self and dance with others in the big, one love. Yes... it's Thanksgiving, but of a very different kind than any I have experienced before.

One day she will dance in my arms and hold my hands in hers. In the meantime, I'm enjoying this absolutely joyous love affair with myself. Once one tastes the sweet nectar of this delightful and constant inner realm of love, there is no turning back to naivete and not knowing. As Rumi said, Beloved you are always with me, and I welcome you warmly into my house, my sanctuary and garden of delights.

May all beings be free from suffering and find happiness. May Andrea be blessed for her kindness and the radiance of her smile that brightens my inner landscape with a beauty not to be forgotten. I shall plant this seed of gratitude and mark the spot with a spiral sea shell. May this magical flower of love grow for the rest of my days and nights fully ALIVE and AWAKE on my gorgeous Mother ... my blood, my Earth, my body, the great nurturer.

An Unexpected Storm

Landlord Kevin has decided we must move out, for reasons that are unclear to me. He served a written notice on Emma tonight and asked her to give it to me... rather cowardly, in my opinion. Oh well... people have oddities, and I'm no exception to that. He's given us until December 22... nice, huh? yep, that's sarcasm. right before Christmas! I don't really know how this relates to the woman and her child who we wanted to have move into the empty room, but I know it is somehow tied to it. It's very weird, and he is exhibiting unstable behavior.

It would be easy for me to feel powerless in this moment given my situation and the suddenness of this change, and my very limited budget. I think I'm a little in shock, actually. The anger and resentment are starting to subside, along with the feelings of hurt. Just last weekend, I was helping him clean out his garage and supporting him in an emotional breakdown brought on by looking through the artifacts of his marriage and birth of his child. He's now in a raging custody battle with his ex. Just yesterday he was thanking me for all my help! I'm confused. People can be so erratic and hard to understand. I don't want to talk to him because I don't know what he will do. Yet, I feel powerful and confident despite the confusion and other feelings. Heck, I've lived on the road a lot... not a problem, if it comes down to that again! I'll pray that it does not!

Good news is Terri still wants to find a home together, and our girls want to be together. It looks like we may have found a little house nearby that a woman owns. I saw the post this morning on a listserv and sent to Terri because it sounded so right for her/us. She says it's a charming little place with good energy; she thinks I'll like it. So Em and I will go look tomorrow, and I'll keep my fingers crossed that we are out of here by the end of next week.

I suppose I made this bed by moving in here to being with, but it has served its purpose for a few months. Now it's time to move on just in time for the new year. Hopefully the next "home" will be better... and, if it's with Terri, that we are able to get along alright. We sure have had a hard time finding suitable housing in the Bay Area... very tight rental market with all the recent foreclosures. The best thing about this is that I've thoroughly sorted our belongings, and there is no excess baggage that we do not want or need. The energy around this (and us) feels very clean and clear.

Saying my prayers... and trusting in the magical workings of the Universe. It's good to feel powerful. Somehow I believe my desires and questioning manifested this into my life, whether I was ready or prepared or not!

Onward & upward!

Cash Flow Projections

I've been immersed in cash flow projections for 2009 for Lotus Peace Retreats, along with planning various retreats and estimating break-even point for each retreat and income. This has been a great learning, and I'm feeling a lot more competent in handling spreadsheets and finances than I used to be. Reading some books recently about money has also been helpful.

Today I began to delve into Suze Orman's Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny. Last week I read The Courage to Be Rich: Creating a Life of Material & Spiritual Abundance, which she also wrote. It's safe to say my relationship with money is undergoing a profound change, and this is interesting in many ways to me. Despite the dysfunctional resistance I've felt (like so many women ... apparently it's epidemic), I now find I actually enjoy redefining this important relationship with money and working on finances. It's an empowering and fun process!

Cash flow projections are favorable, since I have very little actual overhead expenses. Most expenses will be direct costs per retreat and distributed among the participants. If all goes well and I'm able to attract the minimum number of participants per retreat, I'll be showing a nice profit after a few months in business. My income estimates are on the conservative side. There is still much work to do with this particular task, but I've made a decent beginning.

So I'm glad to have round one of cash flow projections done and going off to dreamland very optimistic indeed!

Clarity Achieved

I've been pondering whether or not to move out of Kevin's house and share a living situation with a new friend and her daughter. I feel a longing for more community in my life again, and yet it has been good living here because it is stable, peaceful, AND affordable... not easy to come by in the Bay Area housing scene. After much soul searching and a fruitful session with my life coach, Margie Scott, I'm clear that my main priority and focus needs to remain on start-up of Lotus Peace Retreats. I simply don't want to be distracted by another move or to risk the loss of the hard-won stability we've achieved. There has been much instability since leaving The Farm two years ago.

This little boat will continue to sail calmly and steadily on its well-visualized course and avoid any unnecessary detours or side excursions ... as tempting as they might be. I'll pray there aren't anymore major storms in the new few months, and there will be smooth sailing under sunny skies.

The longing I feel at various times brings powerful questions for me to look at and contemplate. I intentionally set aside time for that in my life as a form of self-care. All is well in my world.

My First Blog

It's been a long day, and I'm up late into the wee hours again working on the computer. It's time for me to start blogging, and I felt inspired to give a go! So far, so good... remarkably easy, in fact.

Most of my focus and attention is upon my new business, Lotus Peace Retreats, and completing the first business plan. There is much to do, and I am enjoying the process of stretching my entrepreneurial muscles. I feel incredibly optimistic about this venture becoming successful and profitable fairly soon after launch at the beginning of next year.

*Yawn* Geoph has been on my mind lately. I miss the love of my life thus far, and soon I will attend my first lesbian singles mixer and holiday dinner & dance. He would be proud of me and my new business I'm certain. It is good to remember him and allow myself to be guided by my deepest dreams and visions.

So here goes my first blog out into cyberspace... in memory of my beloved friend and soul mate, Geoph Kozeny. Travel well in your energetic essence....

Time for rest.